Infinite Uncertainty

I’m walking in circles. And despite my open eyes I am blind. I can’t find the beginning, also not the end. For a long time I’ve been going this way of my life with my demon friends. I wonder where I want to go. Often I stumble, often I fall. Does it still make sense if it is not my way at all?

My demons are my constant companions. Over the years it became more and more. They became stronger and stronger. They’ve often gained the upper hand, which I can’t longer ignore. Again I look at the scars on my skin. It is fragile and thin. But these scars belong to me. They shape me.

I tried to defeat them with my eyes wide open. But I was blind. I underestimated their power, not listening to their nasty screams at any hour. I went to bed with them, but they were also there in my dreams. No restful nights, only strenuous fights. And even more screams.

Many years have gone by now. Too many ups and too many downs. Have I really done so much wrong? Is there nothing that I have won? I have probably learned nothing from my mistakes. And that could be my biggest ache. Despite my open eyes I am still blind.

I’ve spoken so many words, but have often said nothing with them. I did not understand my words myself, day after day again. I’ve often listened to what others have told me. But I’ve listened far too little to myself in my shell. And now I am speechless and deaf in my self-made hell.

I must escape from her. I can no longer be the demon in the depths of my despair. And with my eyes open I have to pay attention to myself. To stop stumbling and falling. To finally speak. Not to lose what is most important to me. To finally listen. To finally see.